Take Me to Church

Hozier crushed it with this song. He has an incredible way with words, and this song in particular really nailed some of the issues I had with Christianity as a belief system and the hypocrisy that is used to control people that exists in “the church.”

I never thought I’d willingly step into a church on my own volition ever again after I turned 18 and finally left home.

My parents started a church in my house. They are evangelical Christians who were on a mission to start a non-denominational church that fostered an environment where people of all races and cultures felt safe and welcome to worship together.

My mom is from Jamaica and my dad’s family is of German/English descent; and since they had mixed race children they felt strongly about bringing together black and white cultures under one roof.

My dad was a bible teacher and worship leader, and my mom was a queen of fellowship and outreach. She talked to any and everyone she could, remembered their names and what grade their kids were in, and would check in to make sure they were doing okay whenever she thought of it. She made sure there were refreshments served after services and always loved throwing a party.

Their mission was truly admirable, and now I’m able to appreciate it. But growing up? I would have told you that as an adult the last thing I’d ever do is go to church on purpose. I spent almost all of my childhood at church or at a church related function.

When something is forced upon you and it’s the only thing you’re allowed to know, we all know what often happens. You rebel.

So that’s what happened. And to make this long story short, I’ll just summarize by saying that after 11 years after I finally “escaped” from having to go to church every Sunday AND Wednesday night, and sometimes Sunday nights too, I asked my dad if he would go to church with me tonight.

Where did this urge come from?

Well truly, it came from the part of me that loves to put a lab coat on and experiment. I did it to advance the plot.

Up until a few months ago, if I thought about going to our old church and sitting where my family used to sit it would have brought up painful memories, made me feel super anxious and uncomfortable, and I’d shut it down due to a fear of feeling suffocated and controlled like I did growing up and not being allowed to question the traditions that were presented.

But these days, I decided to reclaim it. To return on my own accord to see if I could find my own meaning and appreciation for the community and the message they’re intending to spread.

I also love live music, and there’s something about singing and expressing gratitude that brings people together and connects us with ourselves and the divine that just feels amazing. After attending a ton of live shows this last year I thought the same thing could happen in a church setting. Why not try it out? Have you ever listened to Hillsong? It’s SO High Vibe and uplifting!

So today I asked my dad if he wanted to go to church with me. And while he was surprised, he also wasn’t, because I’ve become such a seeker that is dedicated to trying new things and clearing through my own blocks/boundaries. He kind of expected me to return at some point.

So he excitedly said yes, and we went.

And while I totally had anxiety as I pulled into the massive parking lot, I took some deep breaths, grounded myself, and gave my dad a high five before we headed inside.

I have no regrets, but can I say I’m looking to return any time soon?

Probably not, to be real.

But I am proud of being this version of me; that seeks to learn and explore and experience, even when it seems like something I’d never want to do.

I consider myself a deeply spiritual and devoted person, but I purposefully do not subscribe to any one religion or construct to confine my faith.

For me, it goes beyond what I can assign language to and I don’t like the rules and judgments that are often applied by religions. I also don’t love that most tend to create a boundary between individuals and the divine, instead of allowing each of us to have an intimate relationship with god that is personal and may not look like everyone else’s.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to reclaim this experience as an adult and to be able to manage the triggers that kept me away from this particular faction of society for so many years.

For the record, I don’t think Christianity is wrong, I just don’t think it’s the only thing that is right. The core of what Christianity is based on is beautiful and part of my own moral code. Christ consciousness is based on being selfless, unconditionally loving, faithful, and is devoted to service and building community.

After rejecting it for so long, I can now recognize that I have the same mission as my parents; but instead of starting a church I’m just leading small group ceremonies where we breathe, meditate, move, and commune with the divine together in a way that works for each individual person. No rules or strings attached. Just love and connection.

It’s the same thing.

Again, if you told me I’d be doing this when I was 17, I’d say you’re insane. But it turns out that we were all born into our families for a reason, and instead of feeling disdain for the way I was raised because I felt so controlled and different from my peers in public school, I can now find a whole new way to appreciate my life as a whole.

I’m glad to be here and to have found new ways to engage with others in this life while appreciating the roots that got me here. It’s all part of my unfolding, and I’m grateful to be able to hold space for others to explore their truths and That Which is Greater together.

I hope you find faith in something that makes sense to you and grounds you in a strength that allows you to show up as the best version of you. This life is so hard to navigate, especially when you believe you have to do it alone.

Thank you for allowing me to express my current truth, and for allowing it to evolve with me as I grow and learn more each day.

Love and many blessings,

Lena