Allowing Things to End
I can recall a few different times in my life where I felt like I couldn’t possibly exist another day.
Seasons of darkness perpetuated with more darkness that carried on until someone picked me up off of the floor. Literally.
A lot of these lows have happened in Decembers over the years. It seems to be a month full of joy for some, and for others each day is wrapped in despair, loss, and dread.
Mine are typically the latter. Self imposed isolation fueled by grief and fear of feeling good when I’m used to feeling so sad during this time. A reminder that things are inherently different now, and will always be. Broken beyond repair.
This year I’ve been doing my best to stay busy. As someone who lives primarily in my own head, I’ve spent the last year doing my very best to be embodied. To take action and to show up. To feel my feelings and to take care of my vessel by moving it and giving it what it needs to feel good.
Sometimes it’s just not enough to want to feel good though. And that’s coming from someone who can reframe and find the silver lining in every situation.
Some seasons are meant for slowing down, reevaluating, and nurturing yourself.
It can include looking at what is to come, but sometimes this is too daunting, especially when you’re in the thick of it feeling grief and other sticky emotions.
My “fully charged” battery is at about 75% these days. If my bestie is in town, I could probably get up to 80% if we went to a Grateful Dead cover band show. But otherwise, my light is a bit dimmer in the winter.
Chalk this up to lack of grounding while walking barefoot everywhere, no flowers to admire and breathe in, lack of desire to hike in the cold and being unwilling to drive to the beach to spend time in the ocean when it’s below freezing. Vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight is definitely a thing.
It adds up that lack of connection with Mother Nature is why I’m lacking that last 25%.
But here’s what I’ve noticed, when I spend time being frustrated with myself because my charge is lower than usual, that drains my battery even more.
So what we’re going to do is give credit where credit is due. Seasonal Depression is a thing that my human experiences sometimes, and I am going to allow my human to do what she needs to do to maintain a charge during these months until she can get some sunshine and time in the ocean.
So for now, we allow things to end. The year, the month, the chapter.
This time last year life looked pretty bleak and I was at one of my lowest points. Within 3 months I was beginning what would continue to be the best year of my life yet. Full of adventure, miracles, and facing my fears.
I advocate for journaling a lot because it ends up being personal data for you to look back on.
If I could tell myself one thing on this day 1 year ago, I’d tell her to buckle up, because she wouldn’t believe how incredible life was about to get.
So I’ll practice that foresight now, while I’m wallowing in my discomfort.
A message to you and to myself:
Sweet babe, keep holding on. You will not even believe how much is about to happen for you in the next few months. Take care of yourself well, you’ll want to be prepared to hold all the magic that is coming. It’s all happening for you, not to you.
I’m with you during this season and beyond. Extending love and compassion.
Lena