Raised and Guided by Angels
My sister, Ayana (Pebbles), and I were super close.
There were only 4 of us kids, but since she was 13 when I was born, we were paired together Duggar style so she could help out my parents. My oldest sister, Nita, mostly minded my big brother who is 2 years older than me.
Pebbles was my biggest fan, the most incredibly role model, and is the main reason I could even consider any parts of me “cool.” She took me shopping, picked me up from places I shouldn’t have been, and let me live with her anytime I needed somewhere to land. I really can’t put into words the impact she had on my life, but I will continue to try as long as I’m able to form words.
To put it in the simplest terms - her physical death 3 years ago was very hard for me to process. I won’t get into the details of all that it entailed in this post, but I want to spell out how I’ve been able to deduce some meaning from undoubtedly the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.
I’ve never met anyone quite like Ayana, and likely never will again. When she left this plane, I made a promise to her and to myself that I would continue on the mission she had started while she was here. I promised that I’d spend my life striving to emulate the following characteristics that I was able to witness her embody while she was here.
(My oldest sister, Nita, was also an enigma. I’ve never met anyone so selfless, gentle, and courageous in my life. She was a literal angel in human form, so while her death 8 months after losing Pebbles had a huge impact on me as well, I find it hard to imagine even trying to show up in the world the way she did. It seems unrealistic, truly.)
When I inevitably lose track of who I am and what I’m doing here, I do my best to return to the following promises:
Become fiercely self-aware and self-sufficient
Adopt an “always growing” and a “know better, do better” mindset
Develop the strength to handle pain and suffering with courage and without complaining
Always show up in the front row to support your people out loud!
Learn how/when to let go and move on gracefully
Do all the things you want to do without holding back or making excuses
Remain unwavering in devotion to your faith in God and the plan for your life - especially when things don’t go as you planned
I don’t get it right all the time, but when I do, I credit it all to being able to watch my sisters move through the world with unmatched grace and steadiness.
Everything I do in this life I will do with the intention of making my sisters proud of the person they raised me to be. They continue to guide me every single day.
Thank you for reading. I’m grateful for a space to share and continue the legacy of some of the most beautiful humans I’ll ever know.
All of my love,
Lena