Who is Driving?
Did you watch Dexter in the early 2000’s?
It was a show about your friendly neighborhood serial killer who only preys on people who are evil. So not exactly feel good, fun-for-the-whole-family television, but I loooved it when it was running.
Dexter used to refer to the part of him that wanted to kill people as his “dark passenger.”
The voice within him that urged him and wouldn’t leave him alone until he did the things it asked of him.
While I’d hope that we don’t all have a passenger that urges us to commit murder, I can absolutely understand feeling like there is someone in the passenger seat of my awareness, who will sometimes even take the wheel.
For me, this seat is often taken by my inner-teen.
Yikes. The last thing I need is a depressed 16 year old running the show. But sometimes I know that’s who is driving my vessel when I catch myself self-sabotaging by indulging in old habits.
My inner teen is the one who will make me act out and do things that my adult self knows will not soothe me.
I see and hear a lot of people talking about inner-child healing; and while I’ve seen first-hand how important that work is, I think sometimes my inner teen is the one who needs the most attention and TLC.
My inner teen is the one who is convinced that her needs aren’t important and that the only way to get through life is to dissociate and resort to violence against myself.
For many years in my adolescence this looked like restriction, binging and purging, cutting, attention seeking, and participating in risky behaviors just to FEEL SOMETHING other than the loneliness and apathy I was used to.
Ok so now I’ve identified that my inner teen is driving. Easy enough to take back the wheel now, right?
Well, no. If only it were that easy!
Sometimes it’s not as simple as just stopping the things that we know aren’t serving us.
What does my inner teen even want? Why is she insisting on wreaking havoc?
She wants to be addressed. She wants to be talked to and she wants to express that she’s feeling ignored.
So what should I ask my inner teen?
What needs of yours aren’t being met?
What can I do to make you feel seen and included in my life?
What are you here to communicate to me?
How can I show you how grateful I am for all you did to keep us safe in the past?
These are a great start, and to be completely honest, the answer may take some time to get. You might have to sit with this part of you for a while before you get the clarity you' need. But awareness is always the first step.
For more information on parts work, I highly recommend reading “No Bad Parts” By Richard Schwartz.
This is one of the best full spectrum for healing the relationships we have with all of our parts, including our inner-child and inner teen.
Addendum 1/22/25
I originally wrote this post on Feb 9th 2024. It’s taken me this long to get back to finishing it and publishing it.
I was surprised to see how far I’ve come in this area and my relationship with my inner teen, but it was also pointed out how much farther I still have to go. This work has been recommended from my coach as part of a course I’m finishing up, and it has been lifechanging to revisit this work and go even deeper with everything I’ve acquired over the last year.
I hope it doesn’t take me another 11 months to keep sharing.
Thank you for being here. I love you
Glad to be back.
Love,
Lena